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I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 w/ Psychotic Features it has affected me spiritually and emotionally and most days I feel lost, hopeless, confused, sad, angry, and defeated. I also have social anxiety disorder because I’ve always struggled with self esteem really bad and never really knew who I was. I started my journey following the Bible around 2014, but even though I learned a lot and was “teaching “ other people I realized I was following after my own idols in my heart. Marriage, success, education, house, cars, all these things to cover up the wounds of my damaged and hurt soul. I was in a relationship with a guy that was very religious and I thought he was a man of God. He messed up my mind really bad because he was very judgemental and sought to bring me down. Anyway, during this I had a mental breakdown with Bipolar . Having highs and lows thinking Jesus was talking to me. Making terrible decision that cost me a lot. Long story short I left that relationship and spiraled out of control. Religious Psychotic episodes confused my mind. Right now I feel like God has allowed my heart to be hardened. Becuse I’m so upset with him like how did I fall so low to where I can’t get up but everyone else can get up? Or maybe he will come to me one day. But right now I believe there is no way for me to reach Christ any longer. I don’t believe I’m chosen to serve him so I feel there is no point in living. Most days I pray but I don’t read the Bible much because I condemn myself and I think I am not chosen by God and he is going to send me to hell no matter what I try to do. Especially because I have cursed at him and been so mad and angry at him for allowing me to fall into sin so deeply and to be in episodes where I thought the devil was attacking me. I think I was brought into this world for destruction. For three months I was in Mania and I ended up marrying a Pastor and now in a relationship that I hate because I don’t know him or have any affection, and can’t help his ministry because of my lack of faith and mental state. I just thought that while in an episode that I was supposed to build churches all over the earth with him - terrible mistake I made while out of my mind. My life has become a complete mess and prior to I thought I was walking with God. Now my faith is little to none and I think God no longer hears me. I fee like I’m living a lie and I’m 22 hours away from home. I wonder how I will live with this Illness in this life as it is terminal and unpredictable. I worry about the damage I have caused this man and his ministry - I have married because I am no good for him And if I leave and go home it will ruin him. Please pray for softening of my heart, management of this mental illness, and direction. I want to know Jesus like many others do. I want to be saved and even if I don’t get healed I want know how to manage and cope with this. Right now I just don’t believe God will do it for me. I just believe I doNt have his Holy Spirit. I see no fruits. All I do is think bad and negative thoughts, selfish thoughts. Please pray for me. I’m now only relying on his saints to intercede for me.